This article assumes the reader has a basic understanding of the concept known as Nuclear Family Emotional System (NFES)
Anxiety is something none of us would survive without. Living in close-knit social systems, in particular family units, we have inherited a finely-tuned apparatus to detect signs and signals of anxiety in others. If the crowd starts running in one direction, there must be a good reason. I better start running too. Sometimes this is adaptive. Sometimes it is not. It depends on how well aligned the anxiety response is with the reality of a threat. An anxiety response when there is no reality threat, or lack of a response when there is a reality threat are two examples of how the fear and stress response can go awry. In any case, anxiety spreads through a group, a family, like a contagion, moving from one host to another.
Bowen Theory observes the distribution and regulation of anxiety within the nuclear family through four distinct patterns. I will name the patterns, but assuming there is a basic understanding, I will not go into each pattern in depth. The patterns include:
- Distance – creating emotional distance or separation
- Conflict – blame without self-responsibility
- Symptoms – physical, mental/emotional and social symptoms
- Projection – intense focus on one or more children, onto whom parents project their own anxiety
The intensity of these patterns can be observed as inversely proportional to the level of differentiation within the family unit. The higher the level of differentiation, the lower the intensity of the functional patterns. This point has led me to grapple with something I was observing in families but did not find clearly articulated in the description of the NFES. Namely, in my work over the years, I occasionally encountered families that displayed no clear evidence of distance, conflict, symptoms in parents, or projection onto the children. I considered these families among the highest level of differentiation of all families I encountered. I was thinking that the NFES described behavioral patterns in families at lower levels of differentiation, and if one could conceptually rate each pattern on a scale of intensity, say, from -10 at the most intense to 0 at the least intense, 0 would represent the absence of distance, conflict, symptoms and projection.
This left me in a very curious position. If families at higher levels of differentiation are NOT distancing, conflicting, getting sick, getting into trouble and passing problems onto their kids, what DO they DO. I started paying more attention to the strengths in highly adaptive families than the problems in less adaptive families. What I realized was the patterns that I observed were implied in the theory, though not spelled out explicitly. As certain behaviors came into clearer focus, I extended my conceptual scale of intensity from -10 at the least adaptive end to 0 in the mid-range of adaptability to +10 at the highest end. In the positive range (0 – +10) I placed four patterns that sit in juxtaposition to the four patterns already outlined in the NFES. These patterns are as follows:
- Connection: Instead of distancing when under tension, people move toward involved others when tension or disagreement arises. There is a commitment to staying in close contact and communication about issues, tension and differences, including the nature of the relationship(s).
- Rigorous Self-Focus: Instead of conflicting, people look at and openly take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The focus is on self-responsibility and personal agency. There is an orientation toward one’s own contribution to problems. Times of disagreement are not conflictual, they are conversational.
- Self-Care: Instead of developing symptoms, there is a striking commonality across these families in that parents make their own health, fitness and well-being a priority. In their level of movement, nutrition, restoration and how they “metabolize” their emotions, they are showing their children what it looks like to take good care of themselves. In the process, any emergent symptoms turn out to be minor inconveniences and do not prohibit normal day to day functioning. Within a framework of clearer principles and values, self-care is high in the rank order or priorities.
- Reality-based Parenting: Instead of projecting their own anxiety onto their children, parenting decisions are based on the reality growth needs of the children, not the anxiety reduction needs of the parents. Children are afforded age-appropriate boundaries and guidelines while also being afforded age-appropriate freedom and responsibility for self. Parents tolerate their own anxiety and contain it, including showing the ability and willingness to tolerate their children’s disapproval when the child is upset with parenting decisions that make sense.
These behavioral descriptions may seem elementary in juxtaposition to the four patterns outlined in the NFES. Even so, observing and explicitly naming behaviors on the more adaptive side of a conceptual valence or continuum gives me a more complete framework against which I can assess my own functional differentiation.
Stan Proffitt