Forgiveness as a concept receives a lot of attention, with good reason. I think the reason is because so many people are walking around with an accumulation of blame, anger and resentment for past experiences. For someone in that position, the idea that forgiveness can free one from the grip of anger and resentment offers a way out of the cumulative effect of these emotions. I believe the body literally metabolizes emotions. These are emotions that I do not want living in my own tissues and organs. It is true; forgiveness can be transformative for the one doing the forgiving.
However, there is cheap (not worth much) forgiveness that manifests in some version of “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. No problem. Let bygones by bygones.” Then there is a deeper kind of forgiveness that is rooted firmly first in a conviction – or a sense of wrong-doing. This may lead to greater relief from anger and resentment by naming the wrong specifically, and consciously deciding to let it go. No matter the depth of forgiveness, there is one anchoring premise that underscores forgiveness across the full range of depth – BLAME.
This is where Bowen Family Systems Theory becomes profoundly relevant. Blame is the opposite of systems thinking. Blame is grounded in an individualistic, cause-effect way of thinking that places some sort of pathology in the person who committed an offense (What’s wrong with you?). When one is truly looking through the lens of systems thinking, one realizes that there are multiple contributing factors that converge in a particular way, at a particular time to produce whatever outcome or set of circumstances arise. Each condition is both a contributing factor to other conditions, and an emergent condition influenced by other factors.
This leads my own thinking to the ultimate conclusion: since blame has no place in a thought process grounded in systems theory/thinking, neither does forgiveness. I am not suggesting that someone already mired in blame, anger and resentment wouldn’t benefit from a more conventional effort toward forgiveness. But the impact that a shift toward systems thinking can have can be simply stated. With conventional thinking, one can make an effort to let go of anger and resentment…work on anger management so to speak. But with systems thinking, the notion of blame dissolves, and with it, the experience of anger and resentment, especially when one accepts the reality of whatever role oneself played in what transpired. I would rather dissolve the blame and not live with anger than just get really good at anger management.
Certainly there are circumstances wherein one did not contribute to a bad outcome. A child in an abusive setting does not, in my opinion, have a shared responsibility. But if I am walking down a crowded street staring at my phone, oblivious to what is going on around me and I get robbed, did my lack of awareness and attention have anything to do with getting robbed? Yes. When I look deeper at the one who committed the robbery, I ask: what circumstances, family processes, opportunities or lack thereof for growth and development, for the development of a well-functioning prefrontal cortex from infancy to the current day did that individual experience. When thinking this way, am I less likely to harbor blame, anger and resentment? Yes. I don’t have to know what all the circumstances were/are. It is enough for me to know they exist, even if I don’t have all the data. I can objectively consider how I contributed to what happened and use it as a learning experience, moving toward a more adaptive mindset and behavior going forward.
My conclusion here is that IF one can truly function through the lens of Theory, blame, and by extension forgiveness, become irrelevant. That doesn’t mean everything that others do is okay, but it is up to me to discern my path forward, learn and adapt. When you remove blame from your thinking process, where does that leave you with regard to who is ultimately responsible for adapting to the conditions and outcomes in your life? It leaves you on your own!
–Stan Proffitt